Conflict Resolution: Part IV

Sitting in Starbucks waiting for an appointment, I observed a mother and her three year old son. The little boy was exploring all aspects of the coffee shop. At one point, he stopped and yelled to his mother, "I see you" over and over and over again. He then moved to different parts of the room and continued his chorus of "I see you". After watching this for five minutes, I realized all he wanted was for his mother to say, "I see you!" She never did. In that moment the greater realization came that conflict resolution is really about seeing and hearing others' perspectives. It is saying, "I see you!"

As we conclude the four week series on conflict resolution, we are left with the question, "How do we resolve conflict?" The following steps will address this issue. Although these steps provide a foundation for resolution, it is the constant practice which brings great results.

These steps will provide a basis for dealing with conflict as follows:

1. Prepare
2. Set up a time to meet in a neutral environment. It prevents both individuals from feeling he/she has an advantage.
3. Establish some operating principles. These can include guidelines such as being respectful, listening and being open and honest.
4. Each participant shares her/his perspective.
5. Summarize after each participant has shared to ensure understanding.
6. Talk until a breakthrough occurs. This is evidenced by conciliatory gestures (Conflict Resolution by Dan Dana). Conciliatory gestures include apologizing, owning responsibility, conceding, self-disclosure, expressing positive feelings and initiating both gain (Dana, 71).
7. Utilize communication skills: listening, reflecting, paraphrasing, summarizing and asking open-ended questions.
8. Create a behaviorally specific agreement. It answers the question, "How will our behavior be different going forward?"
9. Schedule a follow up meeting.

It takes practice and a willingness to resolve conflict. The greatest benefits are more innovative, and creative solutions occur when conflict is dealt with and resolved.

How do you deal with conflict now? How will you deal with it going forward?